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The problem with taking ownership of your life is that when you’re overwhelmed or sick and tired of it you have no one to blame but you!   I used to say”i hate my life.”A LOT.  Wow how terrible is that?  I’m sure my husband hated it when i uttered that phrase.  But over the past couple of years, since I turned..gulp.. 4o!  I have taken ownership of my life. 

What does that mean exactly?  It means that I finally stopped saying ” I hate my life” and started asking myself what did i want my life to look  like.  If I didn’t like “this” then what did I want instead?  I started priortizing my time.  I run my own business; Color My Loom.  I weave yarn into fabric and turn the fabric into clothes and accessories.  I have a studio and its my favorite place to be, except when it’s not where I want to be.  Luckily I work for me so I get to decide when I’m there.  It’s kind of cool to set your own hours but you also have to be diligent about going to work.  I work from 9am to 11:15 then I exercise.  That usuallly means walking our two dogs.  If its warm enough then I alternate riding my bike with walking.  And sometimes when i have been a good worker I take a “treat myself right day”.  This is a wonderful idea taught to me by my friend Rich.  A treat yourself right day is where you spend the day during all your favorite stuff.  And frankly i feel the need for a treat myself right day and soon!  oh yes but back to my day… after exercising I eat lunch,  then I do a few things around the house then it’s back to the studio from 1-3.  At 3 my daughter gets home from school.  Then the work day is over and its time for my first and foremost job of mom and housewife.  I like having a schedule because it keeps me focused and I get done what I need to get done. It also means I can’t complain that I hate my life since, aha, I created my schedule so my life would have all the components I wanted.    That said, I still need to listen to myself..  And recognize the need for treat yourself right days! I think I’ll schedule one in for Tueday!

So, take a look at your life.  What do you like and what isn’t working for you?  Some things, like a job that pays the bills can’t be changed over nite neither can a marriage.  But by taking ownership of your life and  changing what doesn’t nourish you it won’t be long before you’ll be saying I love my life!

I just finished my newest creation and I LOVE it! And it wouldnt have ever happened if I hadn’t gotten quiet and listened to my  muse.  I do frequently listen to my muse but this time I was really resisting.  He was suggesting a yarn for the weft that I wasn’t loving and since the warp was already a leap of faith I was definately leaning towards safe for the final project’ s weft.  But my muse stomped his feet and sighed very dramatically just for good measure and I gave up resisting.  And from the first throw of the shuttle I was thrilled.  The warp is a play on those old preppie colors pink and mint green with a little fushia thrown in for good measure.  The yarn we used is a fluffy white wool and it reminds me of a cupcake with sprinkles and white frosting.  OH this vest makes me happy.  I have struggled with this vest design for a while but it all came together quite deliciously today!  My muse is smiling.

I just read a thought provoking article in The Atlantic Monthly magazine.  And whether you consider yourself a liberal, conservative or something else what this article made me think  about was something that transcends  those labels.  The thought was this: How am I making the world a better place?  My idea of a better world might and probably is different than yours and personally I think that makes the world a better place  in and of itself.  All those different ideas percolating together create lots of different ways to live. 

Different though, is not that great on the roads; I live in a place with drivers from all over the east coast and it can make driving harrowing.  The natives want to go really fast on the two lane roads but on the highway going fast is 70 mph and they do that in the left lane.  Then the city folk aren’t used to the backcounty lanes and maintain speed limits but once they get on the highway their speed rockets up 80 mph and that left lane becomes a rough ride.  Having lived in the suburbs of Boston and the mountains of NH I’ve driven it all and now just get out of the way of everyone.  But I think that brings me back to my question.  How do I make the world a better place?  I don’t rant and rave on the  highway (anymore anyways. my daughter hates it when i swear at other drivers!).  The other drivers all think they’re right and in their old world they were right but here and now driving with empathy would be the right thing to do, along with not constantly running late, hanging up the phone and eating lunch at a table not your steering wheel.  Driving with empathy and thought would make the world a better place. 

But how else can we make the world a better place?  I just drove 16 miles yesterday to get my vegetables from a farmers market.  Eating locally, especially when I live in such an agriculturally historically area is important to me.  And I did combine that trip with other stops so i guess it all worked out but when you are trying to be environmentally conscious (which i think makes the world a better place in a lot of ways) driving 16 miles to buy some vegetables is a bitter pill to swallow.  Luckily, there’s a closer farmers market than the one we went to yesterday.  Eating tasty food grown close to home makes my world a better place.

One of the things this article did discuss was Americans living beyond their means.  I think since I regularly have a credit cards bill to pay off every month that means me.  I pay it off every month so that’s better than some but i have very little in savings which is bad.  Yesterday though, we paid cash for everything.  Even lunch was budgeted.  No wine, appetizer and no dessert so my waistline and my savings account thank me but my tastebuds would have enjoyed that calamari!  Deferring gratification is going to make my world a better place if not as tasty. 

Living with intention.  Its one of those phrases that makes some folks roll their eyes and others repeat it without really understanding the thought.  But I think living with intention means having some idea as to what values your life should embrace.  And embracing those values more often than not.  I want to charge less ie  stop living beyond my means, but the $40 gift card I charged to donate to the family my daughter’s elementary school adopted meant helping those less fortunate than us which ultimately is  my larger intention.  A trade off or a rationalization but one that won’t hurt when I pay my credit card bill.  I’ll continue going to the farmers market and shopping locally because I think that makes my world a better place.  I’ll drive with consideration to others around me which will make my daughter happiest.  I’ll stick to my budget and watch my savings account grow.  Most of all, I’ll think about how my actions affect other people.   I think that will make the world a better place.

The dictionary defines “boundary”  as something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.  I’ve been told that I am very good at setting boundaries pertaining to relationships with other people be they family or friend.  I don’t know as I always was good at it.  This was illustrated by a comment made by an old friend.   There were three of us who hung out together back then, misfits trying to make sense of a senseless world and clinging to one another as one would a life raft.  His comment was that back then we had no boundaries with each other and people hated that about us.  I don’t know if we didn’t have boundaries or rather we just never reached each others’ limit.   We gave one another space, closeness, room to make mistakes and lots of unconditional love to recover from those mistakes.  If anything I think we set boundaries with one another all the time. 

Most people I meet today are not good at setting boundaries.   From saying “no” to a mother in law or parent, to calling people out on inappropriate words or actions, I hear a lot of sad, life diminishing stories. When someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do or that doesn’t fit into your life  what do you do?  Do you, like most people, cave in at the first scent of confrontation?  Telling a parent or in law “no, we aren’t going to do xyz”  is pretty big stuff. Maybe it helped me that I am the youngest in my family and when my adult siblings said no to our parents I learned my parents didn’t melt or explode.  My parents are/were respectful of their adult childrens’ responsblities.  How many times have you had to choose between the needs and wants of your partner and the wants of  your parents?  And completely lost in the shuffle is your wants and needs.  As  parents we are told that to be the best parent we must take care of ourselves first.  A person who has completely depleted their energy bank by bowing to other’s needs and wants is not going to be able to parent patiently or effectively.  The same is true when someone pushes against your boundaries and you don’t push back.  We want to please people and we dont want to argue and disagree especially with family and friends.  The misconception comees when people think saying “no” is akin to starting a fight.  Look at your life.  What parts do you like?  Where have you let other people decide what your life should look like?  When someone says or does something you don’t like what do you do?  Do you go along?  Do you bury your resentment and put on a happy face for the sake of “family harmony?”  Next time gather your courage and be honest with them.  Your life will thank you for it.  Trust me.

I have one wish for women.  I wish we would stop feeling the need to let others drive our behaviour.  My mothers’ generation was born in the 1930’s. So many of them went along with society’s plan for them and married young , had large families and created their whole life around their family.  And so many of them resent it, a lot.   The next generation bucked that trend and made huge steps in finding other life options for themselves.  Some chose a career over marriage and kids, some chose a career and family.  Unfortunately, caring what  other people think is still the overriding voice in their head.  My generation of women, now in their forties are at a crossroads in their lives.  I know so many women who are getting divorced or struggling with marital discord.  Finally they are making their own happines a priority.  But what progress is made when they still let men or other women tell them what is right or wrong or how to feel or drive their emotions?  My wish is for women to be free of the bitternes of regret .  To be true to your own self is a goal worthy of study and reflection.  Living your life to your own specifications takes courage.  Ultimately, when living your life for someone else the only person you have to blame is yourself.  Instead of a wish for you I suggest a pledge .  Pledge to yourself, out loud, that from this point  forward all your decisons will be yours.

I have two parenting philosophies that guide me as I raise my daughter.  One, I will do the best job i can and pay for therapy later for whatever I screw up.  Two, Its 0ur job, as her parents to set the bar for her.  How high (or low) we set the bar will determine how far she will go in life.   I believe in setting the bar pretty high for both myself and her.  I have learned from experience that one’s achievments match the amount of work one applies.  My daughter is named Darby.  It  means free spirit in Welsh.  And no, we arent Welsh.  That is what my husband and I wanted,  a free spirit.  We wanted a child who marched to the beat of her own drum, who was a leader not a follower and who was independent.  Talk about setting the bar high for yourself as a parent!  All those qualities that create a free spirit, a leader,a trend setter and an independent person are not always easy to nurture or manage in a child. 

A book that saved my life, my marriage and my relationship with my daughter is called “Raising your Sprited Child”.  It gave me so many tools and tips to manage my daughter’s personality and honestly, my own personality as well.  When you are in a store with a child who is mid temper tantrum and you realize you are looking in a mirror thats a sobering day.   But to quote an old therapist of mine “to be forewarned is to be forearmed.”  Darby gets car sick but a full stomach helps alleviate it so we always travel with snacks, gum and drinks.  She has trouble transitioning from one event to the next and frankly so do I.  We dont just do a 10 minute warning before its time to leave somewhere.  We do a 20 minute warning then a 15 minute warning then 10 and so on until its one minute.  It helps both of us transition out of one place and on to the next place.  Maybe she’s so tired of me interrupting her she is glad to go I dont know but it works. 

Setting the bar applies to her behavior as well.  When we are heading to a party or get together I will say to her your behavior now determines whether we come back or get invited back.  And she knows I mean it.  If someplace is too difficult to visit; she doesnt behave properlyor  listen well she knows it won’t happen again.  She is an only child so that is easier to put into practice.   She also knows we will do anything for her.  This year she took an interest in acting in local plays.  She really did quite a good job acting so I have signed her up for  a theatre workshop this summer.  I dont know if it will go any farther than that but its money well spent as far as we are concerned.  Encouraging your child to be all they can be is important but showing them how to get there and giving them the tools is paramount to the success. 

Set the bar, provide the tools , know yourself and your child and you and they can fly over that bar and hit the stars!

I have been thinking a lot about respect lately.  My husband and I had “words” about an issue relating to respect a few nights ago.  We were having dinner with our daughter, as we do every night.  Dinner at our house is important.  In my husband’s childhood, dinner was eaten while watching TV.  The whole family sitting around the table glued to the TV.  No conversations or sharing of news just mindless viewing of someone else’s made up life.  We dont (usually) watch dinner while we eat.  That is something special saved for the weekend.  Instead we share our days and have discussions about current events.  Tuesday night my husband had brought his blackberry to the table  to look something up that he and our daughter were disussing and he received a work email.  And he answered it.  Darby, our daughter made her disapproval known as did I and he blew us off with the “Its work, about tomorrow.  Gotta take care of it.”  Later I tried talking to him about it and he blew me off even more angrily then before.  I thought about it all the next day and told him when he got home from his business trip that if he couldnt disconnect from his job for 30 minutes while we ate dinner then i was not going to go to the trouble and time of making family dinner.  To which he said OK.  And that was end of the discussion.  I was pretty upset.  No more family dinner?  The more I thought about it the less it became about family dinner and the more it became about respect.  Darby and I feel less than when he inserts work into our time with him.   I broached the subject again this morning.  But this time I went at it from the point of view of respect.  I didnt feel he respected our feelings.  I even went so far as to say “We’re bummed when work interferes with our time with you.  Would you prefer we not care whether you are here or not?”  In the end, ironically, he had been short with me because he felt he didnt do it a lot and i wasnt giving him any credit for that.  When I pointed out he actually does do it a lot and reacts angrily when we verbalize our dislike of the interference we had a very productive conversation.  Our conversaton of course revolved around communicaiton.  I think good communication is the key to respect.  We communicated well and we could then respect our mutual positions and will continue a version of family dinner.

Sometimes when I feel disrespected I react angrily or sarcastically which inhibits good communication.  Of course I am feeling angry because in reality I am questioning the validity of my own feelings of respect.  I respected my own and my daughter’s feelings but went into the discussion with the intent of respecting my husband’s feelings about his job as well.  Respecting yourself means standing up for yourself but not at the expense of trodding on someone else’s respect.

I have been continually moving outside my comfort zone for the past few years.  Through my life as a Mom and my life as a creative being I have tried to grow even when it was uncomfortable.   As a Mom that involves giving my 10 year old daughter the privelage of walking part of the way home from school by herself.  We live in suburbia and everyone is bussed or driven to school.  I hear all the time “Oh you’re the  folks who walk to school.”  Such a novelty even though we only live a 1/4 mile from the school.  Even that little decision, filling out the paperwork for her to NOT ride the school bus but instead be a walker was a bit out of my comfort zone.  I was doing something different which can feel uncomfortable.  But I walk my dogs everyday rain, snow or sleet so the idea of walking was not unusual.  And from the beginning it was a good decision.  We talk and establish a better relationship with that extra time together and she has learned time management skills as well.  I don’t think I have started a walking trend at our elementary school but that was never the point.  The point was to do something important to me/us; exercise and teaching independence.

On the creative side I went outside my comfort zone when I decided to write a novel.  I had written short stories and always felt i didnt have it in me to write a whole novel.  I read a book on writing by Stephen King called “On Writing” and he said the beginning writer should write a 1000 words a day.  That gave me a daily goal; an attainable goal and I took the novel writing one day at a time.  and now I have a 80,000 word novel and I am going out of my creative zone repeatedly trying to find an agent for it.  Oh sure, you’re thinking ‘I go out of mycomfort zone once and then look what happens. i have to just keep doing it over and over again!’   But what Ihave found is it gets easier and easier each time.  I dont even think of the replies from agents as rejections.  they are just not interested; not the right fit.  I am a reader.  I love to read but I don’t love everything and so I understand finding the right agent takes time.  Besides they are usually really nice! 

Going out of your comfort zone can be scary but it can also be liberating and exciting and frankly addicting!  So, if there is something you have wanted to try but felt it was outside your comfort zone I say Go For it!  You won’t regret it!

It’s that time of year again. The time of year when the debate rages, fueled by the right wing conservatives, that “they” are taking away your right to celebrate Christmas. Well, I suppose many on the right would say I’m one of “them” since I have been labeled a liberal by some in the conservative arena. So here is what I say to you: If you want to say Merry Christmas to every one you meet from Thanksgiving to Christmas please do. Say it gaily and with a big smile. Say it to me when I say Happy Holidays to you. I love exchanging greetings with people when I am out and about or selling to my customers. But please Please dont attach any other meaning to my saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Don’t think I’m super “PC” or an atheist and definately dont think I let anyone else tell me what to say. I say Happy Holidays because I want to share my good feelings about the holiday season with others and I don’t want to exclude anyone. I count my blessings often during the holiday season and one of my blessings is a myriad of friends. A colection of friends who don’t all share my faith. I also sell my handwovens to a myriad of people and don’t want to exclude anyone with my greeting.
So, this year, pick your holiday greeting and sing it out loud and clear. Sing Christmas carols at the top of your lungs, if you desire. Lord knows we need a lot of cheer these days. But please don’t judge someone else for their choices, dont let someones tell you what someone else is thinking and dont DONT let anyone else tell you what to think! We live in a big world with a lot of different people who have different faiths.

I worked a show this weekend where I met the most fascinating person. He makes leather handbags. You can buy, from this guy a made in america leather handbag that he sewed in his upstate NY studio. The leather is purchased from a tannery right there in his town. For me, the story gets even better. This man’s father owned a leather coat factory in the same town. And my leather handbag making friend ran the factory with his Dad until China came into the picture and his customers could get cheaper coats from overseas. He got out of the factory business and moved his operations home, where he has been making leather handbags for thirty years. He has a loyal following. One woman came up and “complained” he made his bags too well and hers wouldnt wear out so she could get a new one! But meeting and getting to know this person over 2 days of a very slow show got me to thinking. What happened to the mantra “Buy American”? I lived in Bethlehem PA; home of Bethlehem Steel. Buying a foreign car was akin to treason in that town. When I did buy a new car; a Subaru I was asked repeatedly why I didnt buy American. I had done my research and no American car manufacutors were making 4wd cars with the same features for the same price. American car makers caught on and now there is much more choice. But take the leather handbag market for example. You could have gone to the Shaker Craft fair (an unfortunate name, by the way, there were plenty of artists there and hopefully the name will be changed to artisan and craft fair but i digress) this weekend and purchases a stylish, well made leather handbag made in america for under $35.00 or you could go to a big name leather retailer who’s bags are apparently not made in American anymore and spend at least 2 1/2 times that much. Granted you will get a bag that has a name most everyone recognizes and many covet or you could get a bag that keeps not one but two local businesses in business and be guaranteed you won’t need another bag for well basically until you want another bag. If you do purchase a leather handbag from that leather retailer not one single person will ask why you didnt buy American. And yet you would be keeping not one but two local businesses in business.
I live in New York state which has a long and rich agricultural history. If everyone who wanted to farm were given the opportunity I think we could feed and clothe ourselves not only from American made good but from NY state made products. I know I know. I am such an idealist! The next time you drive by a new house going up on what used to be farmland ask yourself. “What did I do to keep that farmland active?” Did you shop at your local farm market before you did your grocery shopping at the big chain? Did you buy your last presents from a local artisan or at the mall or big box store? When you fix your family a meal is the food grown in this country or is it grown in countries with different safety standards than ours?
We, the american consumer has an enormous amount of power and control of our economy and our community. Do you wield your power or acquiesce to the usual?